marriage counseling for an extraordinary relationship
Published: 11-04-2022 - Last Edited: 12-05-2023
Transform and blossom in your relationship, thanks to marital therapy
Marriage Counseling | We all dream of the great love without clouds, the one from the fairy tales or simply the emblematic couple that we have crossed one day on our path, and when this love knocks on our door, we recognize it; we know that it is him.
However, after the so-called honeymoon period, we start to doubt and question it.
Unless we neglect it, even sabotage it.
If two people have known the path of love together, the one that led them to each other, the only reason that can prevent them from finding it again, when they have moved away from it, is that they do not want to return to it intimately.
And if they like to get back there and can’t, despite all their efforts and goodwill, they don’t have the right tools to get there.
Seeking a therapist is the solution in this case.
Why and when should a couple’s therapist be called in?
Marriage Counseling: At the heart of the crisis
To cope with (or escape from) their difficulties, many couples have developed coping mechanisms that take the partners away from their authenticity and weaken their intimacy.
Unfortunately, that has the effect of multiplying their frustrations dissatisfactions and generating new conflicts in their relationship.
In some cases, the partners retreat and separate in the face of adversity.
That is no more satisfying than the previous solution, as they are likely to find the problems they have left behind on their way.
Some people will say that they always attract the same people into their lives, others that their love affairs always end badly, etc.
However, there are solutions to all problems, and seeking professional help is one. If you are facing the following difficulties, a couple’s therapist will indeed be of great support to you:
- You can’t express your emotions and needs.
- You do not feel understood and listened to by your partner.
- You do not manage to get out of your conflictual situations.
- You do not manage to establish a constructive dialogue.
- You are constantly arguing, sometimes over a yes or a no.
- You experience infidelity (his or yours).
- Your sexuality is at a low ebb.
- And so on.
Discover >>> The online course on positive conflict resolution called Transformative Communication for an EXTRA (Ordinary) Relationship
When boredom and routine set in.
But make no mistake: you don’t have to wait until you’re in the middle of a storm to seek help from a couple’s psychotherapist.
When boredom sets in or the partners feel that their relationship is no longer evolving, it is time to act.
Seeking marriage counseling advice from a therapist can help the couple avoid danger.
With the help of a marital psychologist, the couple will be able to explore the twists and turns of their relationship to rediscover the flame that animated them in the early days of their love.
- You have the feeling that your relationship is no longer evolving.
- Your partner annoys you unless you feel that you are annoying them.
- You no longer share much together; you lack intimacy between you.
- You feel trapped in a marital routine.
- You spend your time outside the house and put off coming home.
- You believe you know everything about your partner and know everything they think.
- You have taken on the role of parents and forgotten the role of husband and wife.
- And so on.
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Marriage Counseling: At the very beginning of the adventure
Having accompanied couples at the very beginning of their journey, I am also convinced that the best gift you can give to newlyweds is to provide them with access to the skills of a psychologist or marital therapist.
Thus, with their help, they can build a solid foundation for their relationship.
They will be able to face the obstacles they will encounter, equipped with communication tools, aware of the issues at stake in their encounter, and the emotional baggage they have brought back to their relationship.
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Above all, they will be mindful of the means they must give themselves to live their love at its highest potential, infinite!
Marital therapy can be beneficial at all stages of a couple’s life.
It allows to maintain the flame of the first days or to revive it when it is extinguished.
It is a field of exploration of love, enabling it to live at its highest infinite potential.
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The 4 significant intervention axes of the couple therapist
Of course, we cannot compare one person’s problems with those of another.
Each individual has their history, each couple has its characteristics, and a therapist can’t establish a roadmap usable to the letter for all their clients.
However, specific themes often come up during marriage counseling therapeutic sessions:
- Faulty and conflicting communication,
- Emotional addictions,
- Limiting beliefs,
- Childhood trauma,
- Lack of self-esteem,
The therapist will address the issues, depending on the specific needs of the individual and the couple.
But above all, they generally will establish a basis for work that will allow each person to express themself authentically and in complete safety.
Here are the four significant axes that define this base and on which the couple therapist intervenes and acts.
Communication, whose role is to create a bridge of exchange between partners, must be systematically addressed and revisited when one decides to take charge of the well-being of one’s couple.
Because in most cases, communication is so deficient that it breaks the bond that it is supposed to establish between them. Couple coaching will therefore not ignore this theme.
Therefore, the couple’s psychologist or therapist will have to observe how their clients interact with each other.
Then, he will help them set up and integrate a means of communication conducive to listening compassion, and the positive evolution of the relationship.
Becoming aware of the limits of their way of communicating, seeing what it entails and what it hides, allows the partners to apprehend their exchanges under a new angle.
By giving them a new communication technique and teaching them how to use it, the couple therapist will allow them to reconnect and evolve in a space where each feels confident and safe to express their needs and be themselves.
Marriage Counseling: Active listening
The partners must remain attentive to each other to stay in this safe space where everyone has the opportunity to express themselves in complete confidence.
It is not a matter of hearing the other but listening to him.
That implies being consciously present.
Conscious presence and active listening are fundamental bases that the therapist tries to maintain during the sessions.
Thus, when one of his clients gets lost in his thoughts or reacts strongly without taking the time to listen carefully to his partner, he brings him back to the moment:
The one where their partner is expressing themself.
Each therapist has different techniques (breathing, body movement, questioning, etc.), which he usually teaches them to maintain attention on the other person.
One of the ways to ensure that you have been present to the other person and have been an active listener is to echo what they have said.
In other words, when we speak again, it is helpful to paraphrase the other person’s words without transforming them or putting them through our interpretation filters.
His approval will then be confirmation that we have demonstrated a conscious presence and that the conversation is established on a solid basis, which must be maintained.
Staying in the moment demonstrates the partners’ affection and dedication to their relationship.
It encourages intimacy between them and promotes the exploration of the darker areas of the relationship that often hide unsuspected wounds, which can then engage real therapeutic work.
Curiosity about the other
If active listening favors attention to the other and understanding within the couple, it must be accompanied by mutual curiosity on the part of the partners.
Without it, the discussion cannot progress, and the relationship cannot evolve.
This curiosity, which involves questioning, must be that of the first days of the relationship when the lovers were impatient to see each other again to know more of each other.
Therefore, a questioning that does not necessarily have a vocation to start a deep subject, but sometimes one that takes the day’s temperature: a “how are you today?” or “how was your day my love?”, when a genuine curiosity accompanies them are essential.
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What usually puts an end to these questions and interrogations of the partners is the feeling that they know everything about each other.
However, a lifetime is not enough to discover oneself ultimately; how can one claim to know one’s spouse perfectly?
This loss of curiosity about a partner leads to many misunderstandings and even conflicts in the couple, especially when assuming to know what the other will say, think, or do, independently of what they genuinely live and feels.
The couple’s psychologist or marriage counselor will remind their clients that each new day is an opportunity to be curious about the other.
There is always the possibility of reinforcing the couple’s collaboration and bond by being sincere and authentically interested in a partner.
Finding each other can be accompanied by an exhilarating feeling of presence, immense joy, and perfect connection as long as you stay curious about each other!
Relationship therapists agree that partners’ feelings of emotional security are paramount.
The more comfortable and confident they are, the greater the chances of achieving positive and mutually rewarding conflict resolutions.
Conversely, it is widely observed that when fear occurs in the conversation or mistrust creeps in, the slightest subject discussed by the partners gets out of hand and can turn into drama.
But fears, worries, and doubts cannot be excluded from the exchanges since they are the ones that generally lead the partners to consult a coach.
And as long as they are not dismantled and treated with the therapist’s help, they are likely to manifest themselves.
So, to maintain a safe space for the partners to express themselves authentically, the couple’s psychologist will help them cultivate and maintain their spirit of compassion.
The one that does not judge or condemn.
That will involve their awareness that therapy is not about determining who is right because no one is wrong; if they act and think like this, they are locked into patterns constructed and conditioned by beliefs based on their histories and life experiences.
But, above all, their difficulties are there to reveal them and are opportunities to transform them positively.
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The fundamental teaching of couple therapy
By maintaining the three significant axes of communication, active listening, and compassion, the coach will be able to explore various aspects of the relationship with their clients:
The nature of the bonds that unite them, the belief system on which their identity has been forged, the values they share, their needs met or not, their desires, etc.
If the lessons of a therapy promise to be rich and multiple, there are two essential ones explained below.
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Relationships as a mirror to the self
Through their introspective journey to the heart of their relationship, the partners will discover the meaning of what they are experiencing and the reason for their story.
They will understand what they need to unblock and overcome together to allow themselves to live their love.
Indeed, all relationships, whatever they may be, and even more so the relationship as a couple, are a vibrant mirror of our inner journey and the work we must do to reach our happiness.
If we understand this (and therapy allows us to experience it), we can grasp that there is no “chance” in the encounter. Instead, we attract to ourselves the person who is most likely to help us grow.
If this is valid in one sense, it is good in the other, and the earliest we can come to that realization, the sooner we can overcome the relationships’ challenges.
Marriage Counseling: We are not the victims of the other
Marriage counseling / Therapy allows us to realize that we are not the victim of the other person, stop perceiving him or her as the persecutor, and thus regain our power as men or women who are free to choose.
Of course, this does not take away the responsibility of the person who commits the acts or verbalizes their anger, aggressiveness, frustrations, violence, etc.
But the freedom to deal with it in one way or another gives us a specific power that the status of victim forbids.
We are co-creators of what we live, the life we lead, and the events we go through, and two people must be involved for there to be conflict.
The therapist or love coach will not fail to enlighten his clients on this point.
No, there is not the bad guy on one side and the good guy on the other. Instead, two individuals play their role in the history of their couple, each one being responsible for the way they receive and manage the events.
No one is forced to respond, act and face a given situation in a certain way.
Nor is one obliged to respond to all invitations to argue with a partner!
Understanding and integrating the fact that if we are a victim of someone, it is of ourselves and no one else allows us to make no longer the other person responsible for our uneasiness.
By leaving our position of the powerless spectator, we can invest in our role as actors and even directors of our life!
Marriage Counseling: We have the power to transform the relationship
We have just seen that, whatever the context of life, our partner’s behavior, and the difficulties we are going through, we are the only ones who can decide how to manage it all. If we can’t control what the other person thinks and does, we can act freely on how we react.
However, we must not be influenced by limiting beliefs that keep us in our discomfort.
But here again, we can choose to dismantle them by transforming them into thoughts that are likely to carry us and make us move forward.
This awareness, and the work made possible by the coach’s support, has the effect of positively transforming the partners’ perception and, therefore, their experience of a situation.
But, above all, it allows them to regain their full power.
Because, when one no longer feels controlled and constrained, the feeling of being able to act to transform the lived experience takes back its rights.
The therapist thus allows the partners to take their responsibility to activate their power to act to draw on their sometimes unsuspected resources.
Because behind our limitations, there is an infinite potential that is often not exploited.
The concrete answers provided by couple’s therapy
Since a couple is made up of distinct individualities, and their history is unique, the answers provided during marriage counseling by the therapy cannot be the same for all; nor is the work undertaken systematically lead to the same result.
However, suppose the partners have invested themselves in the therapeutic work.
Then, if they have succeeded in establishing a relationship of trust with their therapist, and if the three fundamental axes have been maintained and integrated during the sessions to evolve in a reassuring environment, they will have mainly obtained satisfactory, sometimes common responses.
Here are some examples of concrete progress they will have made and of tools and concepts they will indeed have acquired and assimilated:
- Ability to express their emotions and make their needs heard.
- New communication skills.
- Ability to communicate authentically and in a caring manner.
- Ability to empathize, be compassionate, and actively listen.
- Ability to set boundaries rationally and effectively.
- Positive management of conflict when it arises.
- Acquisition of personal development tools to overcome difficulties when they arise.
- Ability to step back from what is experienced and not take anything personally.
- Release of emotional burdens that were weighing on their couple.
- Healing of certain wounds from the past that were biasing their relationship.
- Ability to live in the present moment, without the weight of the past and the burden of the future.
- Ability to project themselves into the relationship with peace of mind.
- Understanding of the stakes and the meaning of their relationship.
- Transformation of limiting beliefs into resource beliefs.
- The joy of living the relationship, free of all apprehension.
- Regained intimacy and desire for the other person.
- A stable and loving relationship reflects each person’s expectations and aligns with commonly shared values.
- And so on.
Of course, this list that benefits the couple and each of the partners in their personal development is not exhaustive.
In any case, what will be observed and worked on during the therapeutic sessions is what they will have come to look for, without necessarily being aware of it: the demystification of limiting beliefs and the healing of certain wounds that prevent them from living an extra (ordinary) relationship.
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Allow yourself to live an EXTRA(ordinary) relationship
I want to insist that it is not enough to be in crisis to finally decide to give oneself the means to live a beautiful, even extraordinary love story.
Indeed, love does not deserve any neglect, not even that of depriving a couple to live it.
So, suppose you want to experience an extraordinary relationship that is not content with the mundane and refuses to be dramatic.
In that case, the help of a love coach will significantly benefit you. Because breaking the barriers that prevent access to the best is not done without involvement and often requires some advice and enlightenment.
Couples who live their love relationship to the fullest have this in common: the effort and attention they devote to their love.
They all have this capacity to make it a priority, cultivate it daily, and do not hesitate to seek help from a third party when necessary.
More specifically, they put at the heart of their relationship their qualities of empathy, generosity, humor, and also their shared projects and positive intentions, etc.
In an emotionally stable environment, they are encouraged to live their authenticity and to welcome that of the other.
Marriage counseling / Marital therapy will give you the means to access the wonder of your story.
To do this, you will need to discover the meaning and legitimacy of your relationship, learn to communicate together authentically and in a caring way and dismantle a number of your limiting beliefs.
Most importantly, you will have to choose to get involved.
Thus, as you progress in your work of introspection, you will find your intimacy, and your capacity to give and receive will grow.
That will allow you to live an EXTRA(ordinary) relationship!
Are you willing to take the next step and build a satisfying friendship that will provide you with a stable foundation for the rest of your life?
Enroll with Sophie & Jesse in their latest relationship course to transform your communication.