my husband yells at me: what to do?

 

My husband yells at me – how to handle the situation constructively and tips to understand the underlying causes.

It can be challenging and upsetting when you find yourself frequently thinking, “my husband yells at me!” You may be upset and unsure of how to handle this situation, which is understandable. Remember that being threatened or subjected to abuse by your yelling husband is never acceptable.

Perhaps your spouse is raising their voice out of frustration or stress rather than intending to cause harm to you. In this scenario, tackling the underlying causes of their behavior may be helpful.

It could involve having an open and honest dialogue, seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor, or acquiring skills to manage stress and enhance communication as a married couple.

I advise approaching this situation with sensitivity and care, prioritizing strategies that promote conflict resolution and strengthen your relationship instead of resorting to quick fixes to silence their yelling.

Let’s look at some alternatives to help you overcome this situation in the best way possible.

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Key Takeaways

• It is unacceptable for someone to threaten or be abusive to their partner. It might be upsetting and you may feel uneasy if your husband constantly yells at you.

• Although this sort of behavior is wrong, you may want to keep in mind that your husband is most likely yelling out of aggravation or stress rather than because he wants to hurt you personally.

• Addressing the underlying causes of this behavior and making an effort to build your communication and conflict-resolution skills as a married couple may be useful.

• When your husband yells at you, you could try to; calm yourself down, not take it personally, focus on your intention to restore calm, be compassionate toward your husband, ask questions to understand his viewpoint, and use non-violent communication to focus your attention on your own feelings. 

Keep safe

Conflict is only productive when it takes place in a safe environment, so you must find this safety. If you feel unsafe, protect yourself by removing yourself from the situation.

You could speak to a family member or a friend who might help you determine the next best steps to take for your situation.

You must leave immediately if you feel emotional, mental, or physical violence or fear for yourself. Call the emergency services if your life is at risk.

Why is my husband yelling at me?

The reasons your spouse yells are probably more complex than they appear.

Sure, they’re probably centered on traditional issues, for instance, financial problems, sex, domestic responsibilities, family and kids, etc., but it normally starts with a wound, insecurity, or behavior that is adopted in early life. 

Here are 5 reasons your partner might be yelling and cannot control how he reacts to what triggers him.

Your husband yells at you because this is how he learned to communicate as a child.

Your husband may have been subjected to harsh, abusive, punishing, and offensive language and actions from early influencers controlling him throughout his upbringing (most likely his parents).

It could have led him to adopt these speaking methods as part of his personality.

As a result, he may come to view yelling as a valid and even necessary form of self-expression in the adult world.

Your husband shouts at you because of his low confidence and self-esteem.

In some cases, your husband’s shouting may also be a way to compensate for his insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. He may need to prove himself and his worth by dominating and controlling others through yelling.

However, this behavior only perpetuates his underlying issues with confidence and self-esteem.

He could yell because he lacks the resources to assert his presence confidently—his shouting could stem from a desire to position himself and his inability to do so.

Your husband is yelling at you to make himself feel safe.

Your husband may be using raising his voice as a defense mechanism, as a way to regain a sense of control in a situation where he feels vulnerable or powerless.

He may feel temporarily safe from perceived threats or insecurities by asserting his dominance through yelling, being unconscious that his behavior can ultimately backfire and cause even more harm to the relationship and your sense of safety in the marriage.

Your husband is yelling at you in an effort to deal with his emotions.

He most likely did not learn to control his emotions and impulsive behavior as a young boy. So, he struggles to control his emotional state as a man, which causes him to be impulsive and yell without thinking.

In addition, your husband may have also learned that expressing emotions, especially vulnerability or sadness, is seen as weak or unmanly in our society.

As a result, he may resort to yelling to mask or suppress his true feelings, rather than learning how to express them healthily and constructively.

Your husband is yelling at you as he is desperate to be heard.

Raising his voice could reflect a desperate desire to be understood because doing so is the result of the primary and unconscious fear of not being heard.

Plus, your husband may have experienced situations in his past where he felt ignored or dismissed, leading to a deep-seated fear of being unheard and unimportant.

This fear may cause him to resort to yelling to ensure his message is heard and validated.

How will knowing this benefit me?

After reading the points above, you can see that when your husband yells at you, it isn’t always because of you.

You may want to learn more about him before you respond so you can better handle the issue together.

7 effective things to do when my husband yells at me

Don’t react straight away.

Remember, when your husband yells and uses words that seem abusive or threatening, you can protect yourself by not reacting too quickly.

Breathe deeply and shut your eyes if you need to. By pausing for this brief moment, you can quickly address your emotional needs.

Don’t take anything to heart.

Even if you appear to be the target of his angry outbursts, remember that you are not the actual cause. Something is happening for your husband that has nothing to do with you.

Remember your main intention.

Before you respond to your yelling husband, quickly remind yourself that you want to restore calm. Keeping this intention in mind will help you stay connected to your calm self.

Be compassionate

Recognize that your husband has a right to feel emotions, so do give them due consideration.

In that moment, it’s less about you than it is about how he manages his anger.

His well-being will suffer if his worries, angry outbursts, and needs aren’t addressed. Behaving compassionately toward your husband can help ease the burden on both of you.

Get curious.

If he gives you permission to do so, find out what’s going on with your husband. Care should be taken to focus on his internal state rather than his external behavior.

When you want to talk, avoid phrases like “cool down, there’s no use in being angry” and “you’re getting angry for no reason.” This would make him feel devalued and even angrier.

Ask him questions.

Ask questions, for example, “How do you feel now?” “What might be causing you to yell?” 

These questions must come from a sincere place that shows your desire to understand how he’s feeling.

Focus on how you communicate.

His comments might trigger you into feeling like you share some of the responsibilities for the difficulties he’s going through, and you might discover that you become quite emotionally involved as he responds to your questions.

This is why it’s useful to employ Nonviolent communication (NVC).

It enables you to focus your attention on how you are both feeling rather than getting sidetracked in deep analysis and lengthy explanations that could cause further arguments and aggravate you both even more.

Is it common for a husband to frequently yell at his wife?

Yelling is impulsive; it is our voice that speaks before it thinks.

We all yelled as babies because we couldn’t talk, but as kids get older, their language develops and they learn to manage their reactions and communicate in different ways.

Therefore, you might wonder whether it’s acceptable for your adult partner to continue yelling at you when he has the power to stop yelling and use his words.

Anyone can occasionally lose their cool and yell, but if your husband frequently yells and causes you to feel afraid, hurt, uncomfortable, or verbally abused, action needs to be taken. Recognize that verbal and emotional abuse needs to be addressed, no matter the severity.

Am I the reason my husband yells at me?

Keep in mind you might be the trigger for his yelling, not the root cause.

It’s challenging to pinpoint the precise causes of someone’s violent behavior, so keep in mind that for some people, their behavior is usually a product of their own thoughts, emotions, experiences, and trauma.

Trying to place blame or responsibility for it isn’t always possible or constructive. 

Remember that everyone has the power to decide how to react when faced with difficult circumstances and is accountable for their own actions.

He may have chosen to yell at you as a result of your actions. However, it’s also likely that there are additional elements at work, such as anxiety, exhaustion, or underlying emotional problems.

I’d encourage you to be curious about the situation and make an effort to be open and honest with your husband about your worries.

Consulting with a therapist or counselor may be beneficial, so you can work through any underlying issues and learn better ways to communicate and resolve conflict.

Since it might be challenging to pinpoint the precise causes of someone’s aggressive behavior, it’s crucial to keep in mind that for some people, their behavior is frequently a product of their own thoughts, feelings, experiences, and trauma.

Trying to place blame or responsibility for it isn’t always possible or constructive.

Remember, everyone is responsible for their own actions and can choose how to respond to challenging situations.

Your actions may have contributed to his decision to yell at you.

Still, it’s also possible that there are other factors at play, for example, anxiety, fatigue, or underlying emotional issues.

I recommend you approach the situation with curiosity and communicate your concerns openly and honestly with your husband.

It might be helpful to seek the advice of a therapist or counselor to work through any underlying issues and to learn more effective ways to communicate and find better conflict resolution skills.

Is it acceptable for me to feel uneasy when my husband yells at me? Should his yelling be cause for concern?

Let’s say you ask your husband to stop shouting at you, but he maintains that he isn’t. You might question whether the unease you’re feeling is warranted, whether you should try to set boundaries, and whether it should be raised as a red flag.

In my opinion, the rule is simple.

When you begin to experience increasing physical anguish, ill feelings, and thoughts, and you want to stop the conversation, it’s clear your husband has crossed the line. It is not just warranted but essential to state and uphold your boundaries.

Always keep in mind that domestic violence and emotional and verbal abuse, whether it presents itself through your husband’s yelling or in other ways, should never be taken lightly. It is unacceptable to continue to feel threatened or uneasy in your husband’s presence.

What does this signify for both of us and our marriage?

Many men consciously or subconsciously conform to an outdated and harmful definition of masculinity where, deep down, they actually often feel inadequate, and have low confidence and self-esteem.

If your husband is attached to this traditional image of masculinity, he may rely on a more dated model of communication to deal with his anger and frustration rather than stay calm and talk about it.

Additionally, being under a lot of stress might make it difficult for you to control your own emotions, which can lead to you start yelling and saying things you later come to regret.

This could also trigger old wounds for your husband and create an even bigger rift between you two.

Then you’re in a vicious cycle that gradually causes your marriage to become even more unstable.

To escape it, those involved must commit to inner work and learn how to communicate better. {See my Self-Paced Online Course on Communication}

How does yelling affect a marriage?

Yelling can harm a marriage in a variety of ways. While your husband shows such behavior, you might feel frightened and nervous, and when your emotions are running high, it’s harder to communicate with each other.

Yelling can sometimes result in serious misunderstandings and miscommunication. An argument can quickly escalate into shouting matches when one person starts yelling and the other responds angrily or defensively.

Remember, it’s common for couples to go through conflicts and have disagreements, but it’s also useful since it teaches us how to communicate effectively and overcome difficulties.

Scheduling a time to talk, limiting interruptions while the other person is talking (also known as active listening), and seeking a middle ground to find a solution that pleases both sides are a few examples.

Constant yelling might have serious consequences for your marriage or relationship if the underlying issues aren’t addressed.

Do people shout at each other in healthy relationships?

In healthy relationships most couples have learned to resolve their conflicts as they arise through positive communication so they don’t push each other to the point of yelling in an attempt to feel understood.

Warning signs that the yelling in your relationship is unhealthy and counterproductive is when it feels like there are undertones of criticism, defensiveness, and disrespect, or in other words, when it feels like it’s ‘you vs. him,’ with little sign of progress in resolving the problem at hand.

Is it a form of emotional abuse when my husband yells at me?

The lines can be blurry when deciding whether yelling constitutes emotional abuse. Bear in mind that nearly everyone is capable of yelling at times; you might even consider it odd if someone were never to yell.

So we need to be able to distinguish between when yelling is being used to express anger in a healthy way and when it is being used as a form of emotional abuse.

If we are self-aware and emotionally intelligent, we can learn to express our irritation in healthy ways and understand how our yelling can impact someone else.

However, suppose someone is not self-aware or able to manage their emotions. In that case, it’s possible that their yelling is being used as a form of unhealthy communication, perhaps without them realizing it, that can eventually take a different turn and become emotional abuse, especially if the yelling is loaded with inappropriate words and criticism.

One example of yelling as a form of abuse is when it’s used to make the other person feel bad intentionally, for instance, by name-calling, or strong judmental comments.

How to take care of my mental health when my husband yells at me?

Yelling can take a toll on your mental health, so it’s important to know how to take care of yourself and your mind in this situation.

It can feel exhausting and draining to constantly have to deal with your yelling husband, and you might feel like you are walking on eggshells, and almost waiting in angst for the next time it happens.

To calm your mind, give yourself permission to remove yourself from the situation when you need to, discuss how you feel with a friend, or seek the help of a professional.

When I am in a session with a client, I encourage them to ask themselves the following: “How long are you willing to stay and listen to someone yelling at you before you decide to get up and leave?”

It’s important to know your limits and respect yourself enough to adhere to them.

What are the signs of a toxic husband?

Not all husbands who yell can be called toxic. A sign of a toxic husband to look out for could be when he doesn’t own up to his problematic behavior, denies that there is an issue, and consistently places the blame back on you.

Toxic spouses are also characterized by their attempts to dominate and control their wives.

It can manifest in gaslighting, social isolation, and the imposition of their will on their wives’ daily lives. It’s crucial to watch for red flags like these and act upon them early in the relationship.

Could childhood trauma be the reason my husband yells at me and uses anger to communicate?

Childhood trauma can significantly affect the development of a person’s emotional makeup. Make sure you approach the subject with caution and sensitivity if you are concerned that your partner may have gone through trauma.

Keep in mind that every individual reacts to trauma differently, and other reasons could cause his behaviors.

If you are wondering if your husband is suffering from trauma in any way, supporting him to seek help from a qualified therapist or other professional may be beneficial to both him and your relationship.

Bear in mind that there are other reasons for yelling or being angry besides childhood trauma, but for the most part, habitual yelling can often be a result of childhood trauma.

Could narcissism be the cause of my husband’s anger?

It would be inappropriate to label someone as a narcissist based on a single behavior, such as yelling. Narcissistic people have an overinflated sense of self-importance and a lack of concern and understanding for others.

It can appear in a variety of ways, including a desire for admiration, a disregard for how others feel, and a propensity for grandiose thinking or behavior.

If you suspect your husband has these narcissistic qualities as well as the yelling, then I would suggest that you observe the whole range of his behaviors and attitudes and seek the assistance of a mental health specialist to confirm your concerns.

Remember that everyone portrays some narcissistic tendencies at times can change their ways and become more empathic and sensitive towards others, which is different from being a diagnosed narcissist.

What can I do if my husband yells at me and shows no sign of stopping?

If your husband is yelling at you and despite your best attempts to restore calm, nothing changes, you must immediately adjust your approach.

If you’ve shifted your husband’s attention by urging him to talk about what’s going on and he still yells at you, there’s only one thing you can do: stop and walk away.

Remove yourself from the discussion.

Inform your husband that you do not wish to continue the discussion in these circumstances.

Let him know that you’re uncomfortable with his yelling, or perhaps even fear his tone, the words he uses, or his attitude, and you are choosing to take a break from the conversation.

Reassure him that you will be free to continue the conversation once he is calm.

Cooling-off periods allow both parties to regain inner calm, look at their own behavior and come back to the situation with a clearer mind.

Compartmentalize your mind.

To go through this process, you may need to take a step back from your emotions during the conversation. This isn’t to say that you are disregarding how you feel, but rather prioritizing your need for calm.

Letting your emotions derail the conversation may serve to push you apart and leave you feeling negative about yourself, your partner, or your relationship and marriage.

It may also lead you to experience similar communication challenges next time.

Think about your own needs

After an emotionally heated argument, taking stock of how you feel and what needs may have gone unmet is essential. You may feel frustrated, resentful, or even angry if your demands are consistently disregarded.

Your husband’s inability to address your emotional needs, such as your desire to be respected and heard, your need to feel safe and secure, or your desire to be understood and empathized with, maybe the root of his constant outbursts.

Recognizing your unmet needs and conveying them to your partner in a non-confrontational way is essential to finding a solution that works for everyone involved.

More positive boundaries can be created, and more joy can be experienced by regularly considering one’s own needs.

When your husband yells at you, some of the following needs may be unmet:

Respect

Feeling respected by your spouse means your needs are being met fundamentally.

It implies that you are seen for who you are and that your thoughts, feelings, and decisions are not discounted or disregarded.

You may believe your partner does not value you or care about your wants and feelings if they frequently shout at you.

Trust and closeness can only grow when two people treat each other respectfully.

Both people must feel safe, heard, and understood for a relationship to flourish. The absence of respect, on the other side, can lead to hostility and even hatred.

It’s vital to tell your spouse how you feel, and if you don’t feel like you’re getting the respect you deserve, it will help to tell them how you feel directly and honestly.

Tell them how you think and offer suggestions for how they may treat you more respectfully. It can be a step in the right direction if your partner is willing to hear you out and make adjustments for the better.

Consideration

The term “need for consideration” describes the yearning for or insistence upon receiving such kind and attentive treatment from your spouse.

We are hardwired to seek affirmation and approval from the people we love, and when we desire to be considered, we want our partner to notice and care about our thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

When we say that we need to be considered in a relationship, we ask our partners to think about how their choices will impact how we feel and what we require. It involves keeping in touch with our feelings, communicating clearly, and displaying compassion and sympathy for one another.

When our desire for consideration is met, we feel heard, understood, and seen by our partners, which can deepen our bond with them.

We must let our partners know what we need from them in terms of consideration if we want to feel happy in our relationships.

By cooperating this way, we increase the likelihood of establishing a loving, mutually beneficial partnership.

Empathy

Healthy relationships require empathy.

We want our companion to understand our feelings and needs. Yelling can harm and overwhelm a relationship, making us feel insulted and unheard. Empathy helps our partners realize how their words and actions influence us.


Empathy builds trust and strengthens relationships, indicating that we care enough to understand and support them even in difficult times.

It also creates a safe area where we can speak freely without judgment.

Active listening, honest communication, and care for our partner are all dynamic tools to develop empathy in a relationship.

It requires putting aside our needs and desires and focusing on what our partner says and feels, and it also requires compromise and collaboration to create mutually beneficial solutions.

Having our need for empathy met in a relationship deepens our connection and creates a secure, supportive environment where both parties feel heard and understood.

Support

Having someone there to lean on is essential to keeping a relationship strong.

It’s supporting your spouse during challenging circumstances, whether by listening or providing advice.

When you’re in a relationship, it helps to know that your partner will be there for you no matter your challenges.

Yet if your partner is yelling at you, he cannot provide emotional support at that time, and you may feel lonely and isolated.

The health of your relationship can be damaged by constant yelling and other forms of emotional abuse because they undermine the trust and safety necessary for you to feel supported.

Talking to your partner openly and honestly about the help you need in the relationship is crucial.

Being able to rely on your partner when you need them is vital for sustaining a thriving relationship, yet it can be tough to display vulnerability and ask for support.

If you and your spouse are open and honest about your needs, you can work together to build a solid foundation for your relationship.

Communication

Communication is a critical tool for problem-solving, and it allows us to identify issues, exchange ideas and perspectives, and work together to find solutions.

In a romantic relationship, an open and honest dialogue is essential to avoid misunderstandings and potential arguments that can strain relationships.

The ability to authentically discuss one another’s wants, desires, and emotions makes people feel more comfortable opening up to one another, leading to greater trust and closeness.

When partners use constructive communication, they can better resolve problems and disagreements healthily.

By hearing each other out and trying to see things from another’s point of view, partners can better work together to discover solutions that work for both parties.

If your need for clear communication is not met, take the initiative to improve your communication skills to be best able to inspire your spouse to do so as well.

Boundaries

When our need for boundaries is unmet, it can negatively affect ourselves and our relationships.

Without clear boundaries, we may feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even exploited. We may struggle to maintain a healthy relationship as we work to assert our needs and protect our boundaries.

It can lead to a cycle of stress and frustration as we feel increasingly powerless to control our lives.

Ultimately, taking steps to assert our needs and protect our well-being by setting clear expectations for ourselves and others and communicating our boundaries effectively is vital to building healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Physical and emotional safety

For a relationship to be considered healthy, it is necessary to experience both emotional and physical safety. It means feeling secure, valued, and treated with respect not only within the context of your intimate relationship but also in social situations, particularly if you are in a vulnerable state.

When we feel emotionally comfortable with our spouse, we can relax, express our needs, and trust that our partner will respond with kindness, empathy, and understanding.

Without emotional safety, relationships quickly degenerate. If we don’t feel emotionally safe, we may avoid revealing our feelings, become defensive, or leave the connection.

If that continues for an extended period, the lack of intimacy, trust, and understanding can destroy the relationship.

First, no one should feel judged or punished for expressing their needs, preferences, and limits, and it needs active listening, respectful responses, and empathy.

Second, emotional safety demands mutual respect and trust, and you and your partner should trust that you want to develop a healthy connection.

If you are being name-called, criticized, and emotionally manipulated, your need for emotional safety is not met.

Healthy partnerships create emotional safety through empathy, clear communication, mutual respect, and self-awareness.

What can I do if my husband yells at me and doesn’t think it’s wrong?

If your husband is yelling and will not accept that what he is doing is wrong, you should implement a few things, such as taking a step back and trying to calm down first and foremost.

It’s not possible to have a productive conversation when both parties are upset, so try to compose yourself before continuing the conversation.

Avoid raising your voice or yelling back, as this can cause things to escalate. Instead, try to use a calm and assertive tone to explain your perspective and how your partner’s behavior affects you. 

If he continues to deny his behavior, find support from friends, family, or a professional therapist that could help your husband open his mind, understand things from your perspective and how you are being affected, even if he considers you are exaggerating the situation. 

It’s sometimes helpful to have someone else other than you who can bring him to this understanding. Finally, consider setting more explicit boundaries.

When you realize that your husband’s behavior is causing you distress, and he is unwilling to change or comprehend that you are affected when he raises his voice, it’s time to shift toward taking care of yourself first. 

If that’s the case, set boundaries to protect your wellbeing.

This could involve setting limits on communication or separating temporarily until the situation can be resolved.

I want you to know that you deserve to be treated with kindness, and it’s okay to seek help if you feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

How can I change the ways of my yelling husband?

If you want to stop your husband from yelling, first know this: changing your partner’s behavior can be difficult. This may not happen overnight, but rather over time.

It would help if you clarified your concerns and how you wish to communicate them.

If you’re unsure what your concerns are, there is a good chance he isn’t aware of them either, so you need to figure this out first.

Importantly, he has to recognize how his actions are negatively affecting you and take action; he has to want to be an active participant in changing his own behavior.

You want to stop your husband from yelling, but he needs to want that too.

If you have got to the point where you’re questioning your marriage, know that it’s possible that things are going to get better, but first, it may take little time for him to recognize this situation and for you both to determine the best way to rectify it.

Final words

If your partner is constantly becoming angry with you, NVC (nonviolent communication) can help you learn to listen without getting defensive, establish healthy boundaries, and express compassion even when things get heated.

This will help you have meaningful interactions and create a life and marriage where you both feel heard and valued.

When applied correctly, NVC (nonviolent communication) can help you work through relationship issues without resorting to a mediator.

That’s why I share it with all my clients to help them overcome challenges, build meaningful relationships, and live happy lives.

Remember, yelling isn’t a tragedy but a natural response to an unfulfilled need, signaling a discrepancy between our desires & reality.

It’s an indicator of emotional turmoil that sheds light on how we view ourselves and our connections with others.

It gives us the opportunity to become better listeners, better empathize, and establish boundaries.

Next steps

To keep your relationship strong, enroll in my self-paced online communication course, which has already changed the life of hundreds of couples and will give you the powerful tools to support your transformation.

Take a look here. 

For some couples, this also happens the other way around.

Also Read >>> My Wife is Yelling at me.