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My Husband Yells at Me: What to do?
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My Husband Yells at Me: What to do?

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my husband yells at me shouts

 

It can be challenging and upsetting when you find yourself frequently thinking, “my husband yells at me!”

You may be upset and unsure of how to handle this situation, which is understandable. Remember that being threatened or subjected to abuse by your yelling husband is never acceptable.

It’s also possible that your husband is yelling out of frustration or stress rather than with the intent to harm you. In this situation, addressing the root causes of his behavior may be beneficial. This might look like having an open and honest discussion, getting help from a therapist or counselor, or learning how to manage stress and communicate better as a married couple. (Check out our Self-Paced Online Communication Course)

It could be a good idea to address this situation with caution and sensitivity, focusing on strategies to settle disputes and strengthen your relationship rather than purely trying to stop his yelling with a band-aid approach.





Let’s look at some options for getting you out of this position in the best way possible.

Key Takeaways

  • It is unacceptable for someone to threaten or be abusive to their partner. It might be upsetting and you may feel uneasy if your husband constantly yells at you.
  • Although this sort of behavior is wrong, you may want to keep in mind that your husband is most likely yelling out of aggravation or stress rather than because he wants to hurt you personally.
  • Addressing the underlying causes of this behavior and making an effort to build your communication and conflict-resolution skills as a married couple may be useful.
  • When your husband yells at you, you could try to; calm yourself down, not take it personally, focus on your intention to restore calm, be compassionate toward your husband, ask questions to understand his viewpoint, and use non-violent communication to focus your attention on your own feelings. 
  • A therapist or counselor may need to be contacted if your husband’s yelling doesn’t stop and you feel intimidated or endangered.

Table of contents

Keep safe

Conflict is only productive when it takes place in a safe environment, so you must find this safety. If you feel unsafe, protect yourself by removing yourself from the situation. You could speak to a family member or a friend who might help you determine the next best steps to take for your situation.

You must leave immediately if you feel emotional, mental, or physical violence or fear for yourself. Call the emergency services if your life is at risk.

Why is my husband yelling at me?

my husband yells at me shouts

The reasons your spouse yells are probably more complex than they appear. Sure, they’re probably centered on traditional issues, for instance, financial problems, sex, domestic responsibilities, family and kids, etc., but it normally starts with a wound, insecurity, or behavior that is adopted in early life. 

Here are 5 reasons your partner might be yelling and cannot control how he reacts to what triggers him.

Your husband yells at you because this is how he learned to communicate as a child.

His parents or those in charge of his upbringing employed harsh, abusive, punishing, and threatening words and behavior.

Your husband may be yelling because he was raised with forms of communication that included constant yelling. He might have normalized them to such an extent that he now views them as appropriate forms of adult communication.

Your husband shouts at you because of his low confidence and self-esteem.

He could yell because he lacks the resources to assert his presence confidently—his shouting stems from a desire to position himself and his inability to do so.

Your husband is yelling at you to make himself feel safe.

Yelling is a tool to force you apart. He might feel encroached upon, overwhelmed, upset, attacked, etc. So he uses his voice as a defense mechanism.

Your husband is yelling at you in an effort to deal with his emotions.

He most likely did not learn to control his emotions and impulsive behavior as a young boy. So, he struggles to control his emotional state as a man, which causes him to be impulsive and yell without thinking.

Your husband is yelling at you as he is desperate to be heard.

Raising his voice could reflect a desperate desire to be understood because doing so is a the result of the primary and unconscious fear of not being heard.

How will knowing this benefit me?

After reading the points above, you can see that when your husband yells at you, it isn’t always because of you. You may want to learn more about him before you respond so you can better handle the issue together.

7 effective things to do when my husband yells at me

Don’t react straight away.

Remember, when your husband yells and uses words that seem abusive or threatening, you can protect yourself by not reacting too quickly. Breathe deeply and shut your eyes if you need to. By pausing for this brief moment, you can quickly address your emotional needs.

Don’t take anything to heart.

Even if you appear to be the target of his angry outbursts, remember that you are not the actual cause. Something is happening for your husband that has nothing to do with you.

Remember your main intention.

Before you respond to your yelling husband, quickly remind yourself that you want to restore calm. Keeping this intention in mind will help you stay connected to your calm self.

Be compassionate

Recognize that your husband has a right to feel emotions, so do give them due consideration.

In that moment, it’s less about you than it is about how he manages his anger. His wellbeing will suffer if his worries, angry outbursts, and needs aren’t addressed. Behaving compassionately toward your husband can help ease the burden on both of you.

Get curious.

If he gives you permission to do so, find out what’s going on with your husband. Care should be taken to focus on his internal state rather than his external behavior.

When you want to talk, avoid phrases like “cool down, there’s no use in being angry” and “you’re getting angry for no reason.” This would make him feel devalued and even angrier.

Ask him questions.

Ask questions, for example, “How do you feel now?” “What might be causing you to yell?” 

These questions must come from a sincere place that shows your desire to understand how he’s feeling.

Focus on how you communicate.

His comments might trigger you into feeling like you share some of the responsibilities for the difficulties he’s going through, and you might discover that you become quite emotionally involved as he responds to your questions.

This is why it’s useful to employ Nonviolent communication (NVC). It enables you to focus your attention on how you are both feeling rather than getting sidetracked in deep analysis and lengthy explanations that could cause further arguments and aggravate you both even more.

Is it common for a husband to frequently yell at his wife?

my husband yells at me shouts

Yelling is impulsive; it is our voice that speaks before it thinks.

We all yelled as babies because we couldn’t talk, but as kids get older, their language develops and they learn to manage their reactions and communicate in different ways.

Therefore, you might wonder whether it’s acceptable for your adult partner to continue yelling at you when he has the power to stop yelling and use his words.

Anyone can occasionally lose their cool and yell, but if your husband frequently yells and causes you to feel afraid, hurt, uncomfortable, or verbally abused, action needs to be taken. Recognize that verbal and emotional abuse needs to be addressed, no matter the severity.

Am I the reason my husband yells at me?

Keep in mind you might be the trigger for his yelling, not the root cause.

It’s challenging to pinpoint the precise causes of someone’s violent behavior, so keep in mind that for some people, their behavior is usually a product of their own thoughts, emotions, experiences, and trauma. Trying to place blame or responsibility for it isn’t always possible or constructive. 

Remember that everyone has the power to decide how to react when faced with difficult circumstances and is accountable for their own actions.

my husband yells at me shouts

He may have chosen to yell at you as a result of your actions. However, it’s also likely that there are additional elements at work, such as anxiety, exhaustion, or underlying emotional problems.

I’d encourage you to be curious about the situation and make an effort to be open and honest with your husband about your worries. Consulting with a therapist or counselor may be beneficial, so you can work through any underlying issues and learn better ways to communicate and resolve conflict.

Since it might be challenging to pinpoint the precise causes of someone’s aggressive behavior, it’s crucial to keep in mind that for some people, their behavior is frequently a product of their own thoughts, feelings, experiences, and trauma. Trying to place blame or responsibility for it isn’t always possible or constructive.

my husband yells at me shouts

Remember, everyone is responsible for their own actions and can choose how to respond to challenging situations. Your actions may have contributed to his decision to yell at you. Still, it’s also possible that there are other factors at play, for example, anxiety, fatigue, or underlying emotional issues.

I recommend you approach the situation with curiosity and communicate your concerns openly and honestly with your husband. It might be helpful to seek the advice of a therapist or counselor to work through any underlying issues and to learn more effective ways to communicate and find better conflict resolution skills.

Is it acceptable for me to feel uneasy when my husband yells at me? Should his yelling be cause for concern?

Let’s say you ask your husband to stop shouting at you, but he maintains that he isn’t. You might question whether the unease you’re feeling is warranted, whether you should try to set boundaries, and whether it should be raised as a red flag.

In my opinion, the rule is simple. When you begin to experience increasing physical anguish, ill feelings, and thoughts, and you want to stop the conversation, it’s clear your husband has crossed the line. It is not just warranted but essential to state and uphold your boundaries.

Always keep in mind that domestic violence and emotional and verbal abuse, whether it presents itself through your husband’s yelling or in other ways, should never be taken lightly. It is unacceptable to continue to feel threatened or uneasy in your husband’s presence.

What does this signify for both of us and our marriage?

Many men consciously or subconsciously conform to an outdated and harmful definition of masculinity where, deep down, they actually often feel inadequate, and have low confidence and self-esteem. If your husband is attached to this traditional image of masculinity, he may rely on a more dated model of communication to deal with his anger and frustration rather than stay calm and talk about it.

Additionally, being under a lot of stress might make it difficult for you to control your own emotions, which can lead to you start yelling and saying things you later come to regret. This could also trigger old wounds for your husband and create an even bigger rift between you two.

Then you’re in a vicious cycle that gradually causes your marriage to become even more unstable. To escape it, those involved must commit to inner work and learn how to communicate better. {See my Self-Paced Online Course on Communication}

How does yelling affect a marriage?

my husband yells at me shouts

Yelling can harm a marriage in a variety of ways. While your husband shows such behavior, you might feel frightened and nervous, and when your emotions are running high, it’s harder to communicate with each other.

Yelling can sometimes result in serious misunderstandings and miscommunication. An argument can quickly escalate into shouting matches when one person starts yelling and the other responds angrily or defensively.

Remember, it’s common for couples to go through conflicts and have disagreements, but it’s also useful since it teaches us how to communicate effectively and overcome difficulties.

Scheduling a time to talk, limiting interruptions while the other person is talking (also known as active listening), and seeking a middle ground to find a solution that pleases both sides are a few examples.

Constant yelling might have serious consequences for your marriage or relationship if the underlying issues aren’t addressed.

Do people shout at each other in healthy relationships?

In healthy relationships most couples have learned to resolve their conflicts as they arise through positive communication so they don’t push each other to the point of yelling in an attempt to feel understood.

Warning signs that the yelling in your relationship is unhealthy and counterproductive is when it feels like there are undertones of criticism, defensiveness, and disrespect, or in other words, when it feels like it’s ‘you vs. him,’ with little sign of progress in resolving the problem at hand.

Is it a form of emotional abuse when my husband yells at me?

The lines can be blurry when deciding whether yelling constitutes emotional abuse. Bear in mind that nearly everyone is capable of yelling at times; you might even consider it odd if someone were never to yell.

So we need to be able to distinguish between when yelling is being used to express anger in a healthy way and when it is being used as a form of emotional abuse.

If we are self-aware and emotionally intelligent, we can learn to express our irritation in healthy ways and understand how our yelling can impact someone else. However, suppose someone is not self-aware or able to manage their emotions. In that case, it’s possible that their yelling is being used as a form of unhealthy communication, perhaps without them realizing it, that can eventually take a different turn and become emotional abuse, especially if the yelling is loaded with inappropriate words and criticism.

One example of yelling as a form of abuse is when it’s used to make the other person feel bad intentionally, for instance, by name-calling, or strong judmental comments.

How to take care of my mental health when my husband yells at me?

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Yelling can take a toll on your mental health, so it’s important to know how to take care of yourself and your mind in this situation. It can feel exhausting and draining to constantly have to deal with your yelling husband, and you might feel like you are walking on eggshells, and almost waiting in angst for the next time it happens.

To calm your mind, give yourself permission to remove yourself from the situation when you need to, discuss how you feel with a friend, or seek the help of a professional.

When I am in a session with a client, I encourage them to ask themselves the following: “How long are you willing to stay and listen to someone yelling at you before you decide to get up and leave?” It’s important to know your limits and respect yourself enough to adhere to them.

What are the signs of a toxic husband?

Not all husbands who yell can be called toxic. A sign of a toxic husband to look out for could be when he doesn’t own up to his problematic behavior, denies that there is an issue and consistently places the blame back on you.

Could childhood trauma be the reason my husband yells at me and uses anger to communicate?

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Childhood trauma can significantly affect the development of a person’s emotional makeup. Make sure you approach the subject with caution and sensitivity if you are concerned that your partner may have gone through trauma.

Keep in mind that every individual reacts to trauma differently, and other reasons could cause his behaviors.

If you are wondering if your husband is suffering from trauma in any way, supporting him to seek help from a qualified therapist or other professional may be beneficial to both him and your relationship. Bear in mind that there are other reasons for yelling or being angry besides childhood trauma, but for the most part, habitual yelling can often be a result of childhood trauma.

Could narcissism be the cause of my husband’s anger?

It would be inappropriate to label someone as a narcissist based on a single behavior, such as yelling. Narcissistic people have an overinflated sense of self-importance and a lack of concern and understanding for others.

It can appear in a variety of ways, including a desire for admiration, a disregard for how others feel, and a propensity for grandiose thinking or behavior.

If you suspect your husband has these narcissistic qualities as well as the yelling, then I would suggest that you observe the whole range of his behaviors and attitudes and seek the assistance of a mental health specialist to confirm your concerns.

Remember that everyone portrays some narcissistic tendencies at times can change their ways and become more empathic and sensitive towards others, which is different from being a diagnosed narcissist.

What can I do if my husband yells at me and shows no sign of stopping?

If your husband is yelling at you and despite your best attempts to restore calm, nothing changes, you must immediately adjust your approach.

If you’ve shifted your husband’s attention by urging him to talk about what’s going on and he still yells at you, there’s only one thing you can do: stop and walk away.

Sunset woman sitting on bench

Remove yourself from the discussion.

Inform your husband that you do not wish to continue the discussion in these circumstances.

Let him know that you’re uncomfortable with his yelling, or perhaps even fear his tone, the words he uses, or his attitude, and you are choosing to take a break from the conversation. Reassure him that you will be free to continue the conversation once he is calm.

Cooling-off periods allow both parties to regain inner calm, look at their own behavior and come back to the situation with a clearer mind.

Compartmentalize your mind.

To go through this process, you may need to take a step back from your emotions during the conversation. This isn’t to say that you are disregarding how you feel, but rather prioritizing your need for calm.

Letting your emotions derail the conversation may serve to push you apart and leave you feeling negative about yourself, your partner, or your relationship and marriage. It may also lead you to experience similar communication challenges next time.

Think about your own needs

After such a heated conversation, take a moment to self-reflect and identify the needs of yours that haven’t been met. If your needs are consistently going unment, it can result in you feeling irritated, resentful and even outraged.

When your husband yells at you, some of the following needs may be unmet:

Respect

You may need respect and to be valued in your relationship, and being shouted at may make you feel disrespected.

Consideration

You have feelings and needs in the relationship too, and when you are yelled at, you may feel your personal experience of what is happening is being overlooked.

Empathy

We all want to feel heard and understood by our partner, and him raising his voice takes away any sense you may have of feeling this way.

Support

You could feel alone as his ability to support you is not present when he is yelling at you.

Communication

You may need to have open and honest discussions, but being yelled at makes this difficult.

Boundaries

You may start to feel out of control in your own life because when someone is yelling at you it might make you feel like they are disrespecting your boundaries.

I suggest focusing on what you need in the relationship so you can better communicate your boundaries with your partner. This way, they can see how their actions are affecting you and make an attempt to improve the relationship.

Physical and emotional safety

When we feel comfortable physically and emotionally, we can be more open and vulnerable with one another, which helps us to strengthen the relationship as it brings us closer together.

When we are being yelled at, it makes it harder to feel safe within our bodies and with the other person, which makes it harder for this connection to happen.

What can I do if my husband yells at me and doesn’t think it’s wrong?

If your husband is yelling and will not accept that what he is doing is wrong, you should implement a few things, such as taking a step back and trying to calm down first and foremost. It’s not possible to have a productive conversation when both parties are upset, so try to compose yourself before continuing the conversation.

Avoid raising your voice or yelling back, as this can cause things to escalate. Instead, try to use a calm and assertive tone to explain your perspective and how your partner’s behavior affects you. 

If he continues to deny his behavior, find support from friends, family, or a professional therapist that could help your husband open his mind, understand things from your perspective and how you are being affected, even if he considers you are exaggerating the situation. 

It’s sometimes helpful to have someone else other than you who can bring him to this understanding. Finally, consider setting more explicit boundaries. When you realize that your husband’s behavior is causing you distress, and he is unwilling to change or comprehend that you are affected when he raises his voice, it’s time to shift toward taking care of yourself first. 

If that’s the case, set boundaries to protect your wellbeing. This could involve setting limits on communication or separating temporarily until the situation can be resolved.

I want you to know that you deserve to be treated with kindness, and it’s okay to seek help if you feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

How can I change the ways of my yelling husband?

If you want to stop your husband from yelling, first know this: changing your partner’s behavior can be difficult. This may not happen overnight, but rather over time.

It would help if you clarified your concerns and how you wish to communicate them. If you’re unsure what your concerns are, there is a good chance he isn’t aware of them either, so you need to figure this out first.

Importantly, he has to recognize how his actions are negatively affecting you and take action; he has to want to be an active participant in changing his own behavior. You want to stop your husband from yelling, but he needs to want that too.

If you have got to the point where you’re questioning your marriage, know that it’s possible that things are going to get better, but first, it may take little time for him to recognize this situation and for you both to determine the best way to rectify it.

Final words

If your partner is constantly becoming angry with you, NVC can help you learn to listen without getting defensive, establish healthy boundaries, and express compassion even when things get heated.

This will help you have meaningful interactions and create a life and marriage where you both feel heard and valued.

When applied correctly, NVC can help you work through relationship issues without resorting to a mediator. That’s why I share it with all my clients to help them overcome challenges, build meaningful relationships, and live happy lives.

Remember, yelling isn’t a tragedy but a natural response to an unfulfilled need, signaling a discrepancy between our desires & reality. It’s an indicator of emotional turmoil that sheds light on how we view ourselves and our connections with others. It gives us the opportunity to become better listeners, better empathize, and establish boundaries.

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Next steps

To keep your relationship strong, enroll in our self-paced online communication course as it will give you powerful tools to support your transformation. Check it out here

For some couples, this also happens the other way around. Also Read >>> My Wife is Yelling at me.

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