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Life can really choke us up sometimes.
It has the most unbelievable way of making you grow and change and shift....and I don't mean it all in a good way....it can be downright insane, heartbreaking, and torturous.
It makes it so difficult sometimes to even breathe that you begin to think why oh why did I choose this life of spiritual growth. for those that have had it easy and smooth - wow! for the others who understand what I mean and who have had it tough, well done! you are still here, reading this article on a consciousness page and that means you have worked through those insane experiences or are in the process of working through them. Kudos!
I too have been on a journey. We all have our stories. I can imagine a whole host of us sitting around a bonfire sharing them, and each one thinking oh wow, no one can beat mine until the next story starts and it makes you realise, wow, we all have gone through our own incredible experience.
This makes me believe that there is a force, energy field, or consciousness out there that is so perfectly well balanced that each one of us are able to weave our perfectly woven tapestries within such a complex and interconnected world, as chaotic as it is on the outside, we see that our story has been beautifully woven together to take us to a space of higher knowing and consciousness.
One of the things on my journey which I questioned a lot was where I was headed. There are infinite ways and paths that exist for us to traverse, yet which one will we choose? Are we heading to detachment and disconnection? Are we heading to activism? Is it a constant search without end? Is the final bliss only possible in samadhi?
There are a bliss and peace that we all seek, that space where we will be finally able to rest and say I have arrived. This is what I have been seeking.
I have met yogis who have displayed magical powers, I have met regular people who gave up their lives to meditate and did so for years, I have met those who love kirtans, those that have left life as they know it to live off the grid and create their own special space, those that have studied and practised yoga and other ancient healing systems and arts and are masters in it, I have read about those that experienced awakenings and enlightenment. And I wonder what is in store for me? I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and supporter, and these are my responsibilities and goals. I often wonder whether I will have the chance to experience enlightenment. Maybe it isn't part of my reality because I chose a life that seems so at odds with the considered lifestyle that took you to enlightenment. I struggle at times, wondering what if I had chosen a path where it was just me. I could have escaped into the Himalayas and meditated until I achieved union with self. I could have been free to travel and attend workshops and possibly learn yoga and teach it and I would have achieved my heart's desire.
So I decided that my life wasn't cut out for spiritual awakening and ultimate merger with self, so I chose to just be and got depressed.
Through a series of intense life experiences, I realised that life is too much of a gift for me to take for granted. I accepted my space and my place in this world. I absorbed every truth and reality in my space. What I considered a responsibility before is now a gift of opportunity. Rather than giving into the belief that there was nothing in store for me, I would persevere.
Part of my inner process includes me questioning everything. I even began to question enlightenment. I began to wonder why it was so difficult and so elusive for us all. Why is it that we have to mediate in some cave or give up all our known ties and responsibilities to achieve a merger with our inner truth? But I began to meditate. Seriously.
This path I was following required to give up all my thoughts, desires, emotions, and let go of it all and be in a blank mind and just breathe, until I could achieve the blank slate, I was unable to move forward. I was told that I was stuck in Maya, and I beleived it. And then I questioned it. Why is it that I must give up everything? Why must I believe that this is the only way to achieve enlightenment? Why is it that truth and inner being should be inaccessible to certain lifestyles?
As I looked deeper, I realized that my path, and the healing that came with it, did not come from a detachment or a disconnection from the self, but rather a complete unconditional acceptance and resolution of the self. Self realisation is just that; realising what my self is all about, in its beauty and its darkness, in seeing all aspects of me and rising above them.
We so often forget why we are here, but I believe we are here only for a connection with our true self and our divine space, that we are here so we can experience that divine space within our earthly body. Life is meant to be lived fully, passionately, enthusiastically, and completely. It is not in attachment or detachment that we must live, but in acceptance of ourselves, of the many selves we embody within us.In becoming whole, in joining with all of our self, we can engage with our world in abundance, joy, and love.