i never ever wanted to have a baby…!

Yes indeed, I never ever wanted to have a baby…Like forever. I wasn’t like the other women out there, publicly cooing and going at other people’s babies. It’s like my maternal instinct wasn’t ever switched on during setup.

I was happy living an independent life, and I wasn’t looking for kids to fill any void or hole. In fact, packing my suitcase and traveling was (and forever will be) my first baby. Funny how things turn out; I’m slowly learning there is no plan. This kinda just snuck in there.
…and then accidentally leaned against my maternal instinct button.

So I wanted to share that after 8 months of navigating these unknown waters of pregnancy, I’ve realized some compelling discoveries. And I’m sure there is much more to learn…

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pregnancy baby never

Pregnancy is raw… it’s visceral. Yet, at the same time, happening beyond the body.

Pregnancy is intuitive, alongside a lot of noise in the head. It’s wave after wave of anxiety, excitement, uncertainty, and certainty.

Pregnancy is heavy… about 20kg heavier. Half loaf rising, are you fully baked yet?

Pregnancy is tender; it’s profoundly emotional and magical. Not as mystical as unicorns… but it involves some severe transmutation of self over and over again! It’s 9 months of clearing out, letting go, unlearning, and deconstructing. It’s dying to who you were and waking up to the parent your child needs you to be.

Pregnancy breaks you. It is the end and the beginning. It’s a doorway through time that reminds us of our childhood, in all its joy and pain. It is about being brave about the future. Who will you be, and who will I be?
It is hope conceived.

Pregnancy is a blessing… painfully reminded to be grateful as I watch friends trying forever to conceive, to the rainbow babies and those yet to arrive. It’s a miracle of life.

To think, some months ago, you were a blueberry; today, you are a coconut.

Pregnancy is the first time I’ve felt good inside my body in a long time; no more sucking in the belly or covering up the bumps! Finally, a good excuse for stretch marks, weight gain, and taking unapologetic rests.

Pregnancy can be lonely. And misunderstood. So intimate yet public.

There is a beautiful energy around pregnancy… that’s often taken away and overlooked when you’re hooked up to ultrasounds and medical appointments.
It can’t be put together by a bunch of surgeons or male obstetricians because it is far more complex than medically trained doctors can write about. Did you know that in Spanish, the literal translation of giving birth is “to give light”?

While embracing the divine – the empowerment of growing life – you realize that what’s convenient for the medical institution is not always what’s best for you.

Pregnancy is getting so busy and distracted, then being reminded that I am not alone while running errands. A tiny little hand, a precious little kick of the toes… it is our little secret that only I can feel.

Pregnancy is doing everything to prepare for labor day and then forgetting that the main event is what happens after. Oops.

My pregnancy has been feeling so loved and supported by friends and family. Rekindled connections who had moved on to have their babies now embrace me into their circle. Just when I thought I was doing this alone, this baby and I have been surrounded by overwhelming love, kindness, and generosity. We are so blessed.

Pregnancy fills your head with all kinds of little things that never ever crossed your mind before – like what size nipple shield do you need?!

And you can forget about buying a baby product quickly. Each has about 10,000 different competitors, specifications, variations, and upgrades to consider. Once, I tried to buy a baby bottle and then couldn’t decide if I should purchase glass, silicon, plastic, anti-colic, 4 oz, 6oz, 8 oz, which teat size, wide neck or fast flow – oh, and which brand will fit in the sterilizer I just bought??

Pregnancy is trying to get everything ready, then realizing baby doesn’t actually give a damn!

Pregnancy is falling in love with you before you are even born.

Soon, finally, we will meet.