Generally, most people believe that their relationship isn’t working due to their partner. Some are able to see that they might have a part in the situation. And in some cases, there is an awareness that the relationship is an equal creation. As a guide, it’s good to think of a relationship as three distinct identities. There are two individuals with their unique identities and the relationship which has its own identity.
There are conscious and unconscious “contracts” that we enter into with each other about how we will behave. To the degree that we are conscious of ourselves, we can bring consciousness to our partner and relationship.
In other words, if we are aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions, it becomes easier to understand what is truly happening in the relationship.
So what does a healthy relationship look like?
Balance is created when I am me, you are you, we are we. Yet, I am still me and you are still you. In practice, this requires a clear understanding of our own needs and boundaries. The regular communication of these to each other, and the active development of how the relationship can meet both partners’ needs, must be done is a constructive way.
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The inner belief systems, survival instincts, and behaviors will be acted out strongly in relationships and so can create the opportunity for relationships that are amazing, terrible, or anywhere in between.
Active and aware communication is a critical foundation for any relationship.
There are ways, both verbal and non-verbal. Both ways, if done with clear communication will create safety, openness, and flow that can lead to true intimacy.
We have the capacity to engage in physical, emotional, sexual, energetic, and spiritual connection with one another. And when we are in flow with ourselves, that connection is possible at all levels simultaneously. Reich described a “Full Body Orgasm,” where the flow is so intense that the orgasm reflex leads to unconsciousness!
In the couple’s work, we identify the dynamics that are primary
i.e. my things and how they play out, secondary i.e. my reactions to your
things, and relationship i.e. what does the relationship identity look like.
We can choose to be a passenger or the drivers in our relationship. True
the partnership comes from a place of humility and respect that allows both to
be themselves and still grow and learn together.
Ranil Sharma is a Core Energetics Leader that runs workshops, intensives, and private practice in Australia and Bali. [email protected]. If you are looking to deepen your relationships and learn the basics of authentic communication (with yourself and others) take a look at this online course. Transformative Communication – an easy and life-enhancing approach for better relationships.
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