finding comfort within
Home is not a place, it is a feeling and because our feelings are everchanging our home is as well. Being a family oriented woman, I have had a hard time finding this sense of home outside the presence of my immediate family and the house I grew up in.
The road has always been a sacred space for me which I thought was a home but in reality has only been an on again, off again lover. I always crave his open arms and endless unknown but when it comes down to it I need something deeper, more personal and real. I have tried to open myself to others in terms of friendships, relationships and business partners but have been let down or let the other down. How is it that we can find a balance between two beings that allows both to move forward in a direction that promotes happiness and loving compassion?
The growth I have experienced on all levels within the past year is exponential. I traveled and worked odd jobs making my way around the desert for six months because an eighty year old goddess taught me the art of letting go of what does not serve me. I then found my way to the birth place of my individuality (Portland) where I discovered how to connect with my divine self through yoga and meditation. I have now been a devoted practitioner for six months and within that time I found love, lost love, left love, messed with love and through that uncovered a sense of home outside of my family.
When you allow your feeling of home to rest in the hands of another it leaves you vulnerable. We are constantly evolving human beings and be it yourself or the other, feelings change, people must move forward on their own pursuit of happiness. Sometimes these individual pursuits coincide and flow together and other times the crossing of the paths can cause suffering.
Nothing is ever set in stone and even though manifestation and visualization is a powerful spiritual tool, it does not work with making others stay with you or love you if that is not their destiny.
The truth of the matter is our hearts will ache, our minds will drive us crazy but ultimately it’s painless and unnecessary chatter in our heads. We move forward, adjust to our new situations, look at the horizon and see the beauty in what is ahead but maintain in the present moment and trust our decisions on our own personal pursuit of happiness. There can be no hate, no anger just acceptance that we are all simply trying to do what is best for us.
Many elements of my life have been trying to keep me out of the present moment (looking for new jobs, new housemates, saving money for teacher training, my lover moving across the country) and it’s been an emotional battle for me to stay in tune and not let them bother me.
With the fast pace of life and trying to balance working more, with yoga, with running, with relationships has left me in a flurry while trying to also search for jobs, housemates and not worry about my impending loneliness.
Somehow I managed to work it out and feel more comfortable going into the new year with a base, but my home, the feeling of home is gone – it left me. I feel lost but it is the Universe’ way of telling me home is within me. It always has been, always will be and even though I am aware of it, I have never lived it and now is the time.
I’ve never experienced the journey into a new year with a literal clear slate awaiting me. My board is a mess of writing, notes, quotes, and love letters currently but with the recent acknowledgment of myself as my sense of home the Universe begins to reveal herself more and more to me.
It’s time to look inward at who you are, where you are and whether you are happy with the path you are traveling down. It’s never too late to make a shift towards becoming who you truly want to be and to quote Tom Robbins, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”