| As lovers, friends, spouses and family, we are all born into this world with deep and conventional ties. Yet it seems relationships today are less likely to be defined by the question, “How are you related?” than by, “How do you relate?” Almost every form of spiritual teaching encourages us to cultivate love and compassion for those around us, yet loving relationships are the very things that seem to pose some of our greatest challenges. There is little doubt that individuals who create strong loving relationships are more satisfied and fulfilled. So what keeps us at arms length from so many of the most important people in our lives, primarily ourselves?
“Self knowledge comes into being when we are aware of ourselves in relationship, which shows what we are from moment to moment. Relationship is a mirror in which to see ourselves as we actually are. - Krishnamurti on relationship with self
The relationship we form with ourselves is central to our ability to live fulfilled and meaningful lives. A strong and healthy relationship with ourselves begins with consciousness of our actions and an awareness of their effect in the world, on ourselves and the ones we love; for every word, thought and action has a consequence. By owning those consequences, whether we perceive them as positive or negative, we empower ourselves to control the course of our lives and our relationships rather than standing by helplessly as our lives happen to us. Taking responsibility for who we are in the world is our primary step toward becoming whole, fully realized individuals capable of conducting rewarding relationships.
One common relationship pitfall occurs when we try to be someone or something that others think we are or should be, for the sake of gaining their love and approval. This is true whether it occurs with our parents, lovers, friends, colleagues, children or most importantly ourselves. Being someone we are not for the sake of someone else is a perilous endeavor, providing only short-term satisfaction that can only lead down a road of struggle and inner conflict. In exchange for the superficial gratification of another’s approval we are rejecting our true inner selves. In doing this we lose our ability to bring anything genuine or substantial to the relationships in our lives, reinforcing the notion that we are inadequate and unworthy.
If we do not believe that we are worthy of our own love and acceptance, how can we ever be worthy of the love and acceptance of those around us? Those who allow themselves to develop relationships based on their authentic, true selves invariably are more likely to create lasting relationships. The balance between genuine giving of oneself and acceptance of the other allows for a stability that is found in long-lasting, successful relationships.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from the same cup.”
- Kalil Gibran on marriage and romantic unions
Having your own personal experiences brings life to your union. As Kalil Gibran says, “the pillars of the temple stand apart.” It takes two separate and strong individuals who have a solid relationship with themselves to uphold a life together, not to mention to keep it colorful and engaging.
Long-lasting relationship asks for acceptance of the other and the understanding that in a choice of togetherness the union will not always feel perfect. Having a view of our relationships that goes beyond the present moment, enables us to focus on the true content of the relationship’s underlying commitment– to love each other through good times as well as bad. In today’s self-gratifying, disposable society, it is easy to forget in the short-term (usually when things get very difficult) the gifts that come from having relationships that span long periods of time.
If we turn our back on our loved ones at the first signs of pain or deep divides, then we miss out on a valuable opportunity to grow, not only in our relationship but also in ourselves as individuals; which allows us to take on the notion that seemingly impossible obstacles do not have to destroy our relationships but can often make them stronger and more enduring.
Even the difficult relationships we are tolerating in our lives can become opportunities once a relationship with ourselves are achieved. It is ironically untrue that if one individual is unwilling to work to improve a relationship that nothing can be changed. It can begin with only one who is willing to shift into a place of unconditional love and acceptance of the other- whether mother, brother, lover- the relationship itself, as well as both parties, over time will be transformed.
It is a gift to love, as it is he/she who gets to feel open, light-hearted and inspired. No one can take our feeling of loving another away from us- it is uniquely our own experience.
“Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband; to a next-door neighbor; let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”- Mother Theresa on Family
Our families provide the primary foundations for the relationships that we form over a lifetime. First as children, we witness a model of how to relate to the ones we love. As parents we are the creators of those models. Awareness in this process helps to distinguish what we have inherited from our ancestors and what we are consciously, or unconsciously passing down our lineage.
The importance of giving unconditional love within the family is paramount. Imagine sending a child off to school with a backpack filled with unconditional love versus fear. How might a child begin to develop relationships on the schoolyard based on what he is carrying around with him?
Passing on love within the family fold instead of fear gives children a source of love as a solid foundation from which to create relationships with themselves and others. This begins with the acceptance of our children at their best as well as their worst, which provides a child with not only wholeness and balance, but a vital element in all relationships, compassion for others.
The challenges that we face from our upbringings can be great opportunities or great obstacles depending on how we perceive them and respond to them. Ultimately we are still responsible for the outcome of our lives regardless of what we are dealt at birth.
To blame our parents for not giving us what we needed as children often creates a resignation within us; the belief that we cannot transform ourselves. And in not taking responsibility for who we are and what we have become by any means, we will invariably continue to pass these negative aspects of blame and victimization onto our children.
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”- Anonymous on friendship
True friendship requires that we have compassion for others. If we are in touch with our own pain, we can respond more sensitively to the pain of others. If we are constantly trying to distract ourselves from our pain, we are likely to treat others pain in the same way – hoping that they will just “cheer up” and therefore not acknowledging their real feelings.
Friendship means giving over a certain perspective of ourselves. In creating the true ties of friendship, we entrust to our friend a mirror to a deeper part of ourselves. A healthy relationship with the elements of trust and support helps us grow and reflect in an environment of safety and compassion. The mutual care that is created is fulfilling and we are given over to the feeling that we have someone on our team, that someone not only understands us but perhaps most importantly accept us for all of our positive and negative aspects. Thus the world seems a little less lonely.
Close friendships are the lush gardens that we can sit and reflect in. They are a pleasurable encircling when life seems difficult and they provide a sense of balance and objectivity when we become off center.
“Where there is love there is life.”- Gandhi on Relationships to the world
All of our relationships begin and end with ourselves. The more open-heartedly conscious and whole we are, the more loving and devoted our relationships will be. As Gandhi so beautifully suggested, “Be the change that you want to see in the world.”
kerigoldenhar@hotmail.com
hermas@lassallecoaching.com
Lassalle Coaching cpcc
www.lassallecoaching.com
310 451 3646
who I am to you is who I am to me we are who we are to each other
|
