keep on dreaming…

a glimpse into a saturn return

In your late twenties, Saturn enters your chart again where it was when you were born (or something like that… I am so not an astrologer, I only know the effects as told to me by my astrologer, not the data, bear with me”¦) and really shakes you up so that you must analyze your current situations. Astrologers call it the Saturn Return. I call it the Astrological Bar Mitzvah – the time you officially become an adult.  

I am currently three months into my nine month Saturn Return. The first big “hit” happened in January, and the second one astrologically scheduled to happen a few days post April lunar eclipse (oh yay…).

I gracefully welcomed my Saturn Return as I knew it would change me for the better – there isn’t just going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, it is going to be a rainbow. However, it has been a bumpy, strange ride thus far”¦as expected, I suppose.  

January (when it started) was not a fun month. I mean it was actually wonderful if you look at it from the outside – David Norwood and I began to create Deep Bleu Tea and my bank account was abundant from plenty of work. However, emotionally, January was a roller coaster.

The experience reminded me of the Plato quote – “Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” 

I cried, a lot. There was one morning when I woke up, made my Yerba Mate tea as I do every morning, sat down at my desk to read my emails, and just started sobbing into my tea. Yerba Matte Tears. I had no idea why I was crying. Nothing had really set me off. But I knew I just needed to cry, and continued to do so until the tears were dry (side note – I am also a water sun sign – tears for all sorts of emotions are very common for me).  

Being the deep soul searcher that I am, I started to dig around to see what was bothering me, other than Saturn just annoyingly pushing, pulling and snapping at me (good job Saturn, just doing your job, as you got me to dig and analyze). It dawned on me that one of my best friends was engaged and another best friend was pregnant with baby number two.

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Oy, now more tears began to flow. Partially tears of joy for their exciting adventures (they are both wonderful people who deserve nothing but happiness) and more tears for the fact I am not in either of their shoes, not even close. And to top it off, I’m not even sure if I want what I thought I wanted anymore. Well played, Saturn. 

All I ever wanted since I can remember was to be a wife and a mother (I am a Cancer and I am from the South”¦ it is literally part of my DNA). Since the age of five, I have had everything planned out (obviously, a five year old knows best).

The basis of the plan went something like this – go to college, get married, have babies (three of them… their names have been picked out since I was twelve).

Then I moved to Los Angeles. Slight change of plans that went something like this – start career in television/film industry, get married, have babies (maybe just two now since it is a big city and all). And this plan was actually on track for quite a while (pre-Saturn Return).

I had began to craft a career (that is constantly shifting with amazing opportunities that I had not even expected…thankful for that) and my boyfriend and I had found the perfect little house to settle down in and start our lives together.

But then we both changed (conveniently mutually scheduled Saturn Returns), each of us for the better, and found ourselves “conscious uncoupling” months before it was even popular to do so. 

Back to the drawing board. A few hours after my Yerba Matte Tears, I emailed my friend Johnny for some consulting comfort (he was actually sitting in the other room not even 15 feet away from me at work, but email seemed appropriate at this particular moment). 

H: My BFF from home is pregnant with baby number two and my BFF here in LA is engaged, planning an amazing wedding. Remind me again why I am not married with a baby on the way? Something about following my dreams”¦? Having a hard time remembering right now. 

J: It is just not that time yet. Dreams. Follow your dreams. 

Johnny’s words were short, precise and perfect. My dreams do include a family of my own, but wow, I have other really big dreams that need to be accomplished first. It is not time yet for me to be in those shoes because I chose a different journey, filled with greatness and abundance (rainbow at the end of the tunnel).

I could have stayed in my home town of Atlanta and been a teacher, nurse or other common job that woman my age do, but instead, six years ago I chose a completely different journey when I packed my bags and moved 2238 miles away, to Los Angeles. 

As I prepare to ride out this second Saturn Return wave, I will be hitting my yoga mat, ordering plenty of to-go dinners from the raw restaurant in Santa Monica called Rawvolution, and journaling the steps of my journey.

They say if you get a chance take it – if it changes your life, let it. I will practice staying open to “letting it.”

I will also have two voices in my head during these Astrological Bar Mitzvah waves. The first being Johnny’s wise and precise words, and the second being the Happy Man character in the film Pretty Woman – “Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream?

Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don’t; but keep on dreamin’ – this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin’.”  

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